Sarah Barry is a mortality doula, funeral/living wake celebrant and holistic funeral director working with Life Rites Funerals. She’s a professional tarot reader, an artist, chai-maker, and a Vipassana meditator.

She loves wearing all these hats and enjoys the way they all complement each other and allow her to have conversations with people that are real and deep.

As a mortality doula, Sarah has supported many people at their end-of-life and more recently through the voluntary assisted dying (VAD) process. One of these was Annie. Annie was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was in her mid-30s and was just 46 when she died.

Can you share a bit about your work and experience with people who are dying?

When I first started working with Life Rites, most of my work was in the mortuary doing after death care, and assisting family and friends wash and dress their people, alongside funeral attendance. Nowadays I am mostly meeting with people as their celebrant and/or funeral director, and I may also be present at a home vigil, supporting a family to spend time with their person who has just died, until it’s time for them to come into our care at Life Rites. I hope that more people can confront their own fears about death and dying, so that there can be more present and clarity in the final days of their people, and themselves. Grief doesn’t start once death occurs, it can start well before then, and the more open people are to sitting with the discomfort, the more flow and healing they can have in their own grieving process.

Can you share a bit about your relationship with Annie?

We spoke deeply about mortality, what she wanted to do more of with the time she had left, intuition and how she could lean into and trust it in herself more, especially as she approached her final months, and trusting when it would be the right time for her to take the VAD medicine.

Annie was a very loving person, and she made her love obvious through clear and direct words and actions, ongoingly. She was an excellent friend cheerleader, always noticing and encouraging the strengths of the people in her orbit. Her absolute appreciation and trust in me allowed me such freedom and ease to bring my best to her as a doula, and then later as her funeral director and her celebrant.

What was your experience of the VAD process and program?

I found the VAD process and program to be organised, inclusive and respectful. Every phone call I had with staff was polite and warm, and the pharmacists who came to deliver the VAD medicine to Annie’s home in regional NSW were lovely. Annie approved!

On a practical level, the instructions were thorough and clear, and I felt confident that I would be able to do my part after meeting with the pharmacists, receiving instruction from them and reading the booklet they left with us.

How was the VAD process for Annie? Was it what she wanted?

Annie was deeply relieved that she could access VAD. She didn’t want to die, but she knew the reality of what she was facing. She told the pharmacists that having VAD as an option allowed her to have some agency and control when so much had been taken from her. She acknowledged that it’s a big thing to be diagnosed with cancer in your 30s, and to die in your 40s. She knew that dying with VAD meant she could have absolute control over her final moments, which is a rare and powerful gift.

What advice would you give people supporting a loved one with a terminal diagnosis?

If they want to talk about their death, then do your best to listen.

When a loved one decides to stop receiving treatment, do your best to respect their decision. They aren’t giving up - they are accepting the inevitable, they are allowing their body to have an opportunity to rest, as they approach their final breath.

Seek support for yourself, too. If you can access therapy, then do. Speak to trusted friends and/or family. Have somewhere you can safely and confidentially vent if you need to.

If you are now a carer, you absolutely need to take a rest too, and as hard as it might be, asking for help is something you may need to learn how to do. You may be surprised at how many people in your life are desperate to help in some way, and with a little guidance from you, they can help relieve some of the burden you are carrying.

Sometimes people don’t want to talk about the fact that they are dying, and if that is their choice, then that is their choice. It’s a huge thing to face, and everyone has their own way, and there is no right or wrong way for everyone. So, meet them where you can, as you are able, and trust that your presence and your love for them is helping them face what they must.

Annie was open about living with terminal cancer, and shared her life on her instagram page @annieautumnloves . I recommend checking it out - she was an amazing teacher, and there’s a lot to learn from what she shared on that platform.